I kneel down with my head inside the toilet and throw up what’s left: yellow stomach acid.
The pain that shoots through my head as I gag is so sharp is makes me cry.
I finish and wash my hands. Staring at myself in the mirror, I have tears rolling down my red face, my hair is in knots from laying down now for 3 days (it makes my migraine worse if I pull it up) & I’m in another baggy t shirt.
I haven’t been able to shower in a few days, much less do anything else. My dishes are piling up, my laundry is overflowing, the cats need fed.
I hunker over and grab my stomach, this is how I have to walk now, and make my way back to the couch. The TV hasn’t been on all day, the blinds are pulled, the lights are off, & there’s a trash can right beside me... because I need it.
This has been my life now for three full months. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was on top of the world with excitement. I found out early- only 3 weeks- because I was already throwing up so much.
Shortly after my first ER visit, my demise had a name: Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
This severe form of “morning sickness” lasts all day, causing mama to get so sick that both she and baby risk dehydration.
It also causes other issues, such as depression, which has hit me even harder than usual.
I’ve had a really hard time getting truly excited for this baby, because the reality of it is, nothing so far has been easy.
The medicine I take for it, Unisom, VitB, & Promethazine- rarely works, yet I take 11 pills every single day. Even when they are working, they’ve knocked me out for a 6+ hour nap again- for the second time in a single day (hey, but at least I’m not throwing up, right??)
I have to call out from work at least once every other week, sometimes more. I never feel like doing anything.. I haven’t seen my friends in weeks & my husband & I can never do anything. Usually on our free days, we spend the day him watching TV & me sleeping or throwing up nearby.
About every 2 weeks, I’ll be pumped with IV fluids- again- because I’ve lost 6+ pounds from throwing up, & each time the doctor will remind me that “there’s really nothing that can be done,” "It's normal," & I’ll just have to “wait it out.”
I have researched this sickness until my brain could explode. I have watched videos, read articles, poured over the very few studies that have been done, talked to other women who have went through this, listened to podcasts, and read personal accounts. It breaks my heart that there is nothing that can be done. It breaks my heart that such a huge percentage of women who have had HG report it lasting up until the baby is delivered.
I am tired of being tired and I am tired of crying. I am definitely tired of throwing up. I read where one woman shared to another:
"Take it one second, one minute, and one day at a time."
Here's to a new day.
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