I always thought there was nothing worse than mid-panic attack in front of someone who tells you to "calm down."
It is hard for people living with mental illness to have patience with themselves. Even the smallest task, such as walking to the mailbox, can sometimes be as hard as climbing Mt. Everest in flip-flops.
The truth is, living with anxiety is a lot like drowning. You know what is going on, but you can physically feel the weight pressing down on your chest as you helplessly allow it to do so. All of the fighting back in the world sometimes doesn't hold a candle against a full-blown panic attack.
One day I had a job interview in a sales position that I had been eagerly waiting for. On my way there, I all of a sudden couldn't breathe. I was driving but felt like I was not even in control of my body. An outside force was picking me up and shaking me like a doll while screaming about what a huge failure I am.
I drove myself straight past the job interview sight right into the parking lot of a notourious POS Doctor who would write a prescription for anything you asked him to. I walked in the door and hit my knees, holding my chest and crying so much that my entire face was soaked. The doctors and nurses thought I was having a heart attack & when one suggested it was merely a panic attack, they all walked back to their desk.... leaving me in the floor surrounded by scared patients and a green sucker that some child had thrown in the process of running away from the "crazy girl."
Once I finally got my shit together, a nurse led me in the back to a dark room away from all of the other patients and the doctor came in with a prescription already written for klonopins. Without even talking to me. I snatched the prescription from his hand and tore it into a million pieces before storming out the door.
This was the day I knew something was wrong with me.
Years later and I still struggle with the thought of having to take medication to feel "normal." I have heard friends and fellow patients say that sometimes their medicine makes them worse- suicidal, robot-like, fat... all of the stuff people really aren't interested in when trying to reach out for help.
This is the first consecutive 60 days that I have remained on a medication without already deciding to stop and I am beyond proud of myself. I truly believe that one day the stigma associated with mental illness will be obliterated, and instead there will be kind words and nice wishes put in their spot. Until then, I am no longer ashamed to admit that yes, I have to take a handful of pills everyday in order to be who I really am meant to be. And this dosesn't make me any less strong, if anything, it only adds to my strength.
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